Marcia Beckner
Welcome back to the Nonprofit CEO SPARK Podcast. I’m your host Marcia Beckner.
If you’re a nonprofit or social impact leader, there’s a good chance you care deeply about your work. But what happens when caring deeply starts to become part of your identity, and stepping back begins to feel like you’re letting your mission down.
That’s what we’re exploring today with my returning guest, Tessa Bridge, founder of Tessa Bridge Coaching and author of Do Your Part.
Tessa helps social impact leaders release the pressure to get it right, so they can lead boldly and sustainably. Tessa brings 15 years of experience as a public education administrator, community organizer, organizational leader, political candidate, facilitator, coach, and consultant.
After experiencing her own burnout in high-stakes leadership roles, she now helps values-driven leaders lead powerfully without personally sacrificing themselves in the process.
You may also remember Tessa from episode 38 of this podcast. It was titled “How to Finally Trust Yourself as a Leader, where she shared more of her own leadership journey.
And after you listen today, head over to that episode culturecares.com/ 38 to hear Tessa’s backstory and that conversation.
But today we’re digging into a new topic: identity fusion, martyrdom, resentment, and an important question for anyone doing mission driven work, which is how do you know when you’re making a necessary strategic push versus when you’re sacrificing yourself too much for the mission?
Tessa, welcome back. I’m
Tessa Bridge
I’m so happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
Marcia Beckner
I’m so happy you’re back. Well, let’s start with something that may be a new term for a lot of our listeners, including me.
What is identity fusion, and how does it show up specifically for nonprofit leaders?
Tessa Bridge
Yeah, so identity fusion is when the sense of what you do, like your job, your role, and who you are, blur. Right.
So you’re no longer thinking of your work as a job, as one part of your life, it’s really become how you self-identify, where you get your meaning, and the place that you are playing out all of your values.
And I’d say this is a really common thing in nonprofit work that often we don’t name explicitly because we are doing mission-driven work that is aligned with our values and the what we believe, and our workplace becomes the site of where we are living into our values and of any activism or like world changing energy that we have.
And because our jobs are big and they take up a lot of our time, they also end up being like the main dominant place where we express who we are and what we believe, and there’s a lot about that that’s really wonderful and energizing.
And the sort of dark side of that is that it comes to be that your job has to be going well. You have to be succeeding in the way that you think that you should at work in order to feel like you are a good person, and that’s where the slope starts to get very slippery.
When Your Work Becomes Your Identity
Marcia Beckner
Absolutely, this is coming at such a good time. Last night during one of my mastermind sessions with a cohort of 10 executive directors and CEOs, this topic came up.
It wasn’t on the agenda, but it became how my identity is so wrapped up in my work? How do I even like to pull myself away for a weekend?
And the big theme last night was three a.m. Yeah, I woke up at three a.m. I’m thinking about work.
How can I stop like 24/7 trying to problem solve for my organization and serve my mission if this is my identity?
Do you have any advice for these people who want to go fall back asleep peacefully at three a.m. knowing that email will still be there in the morning? Total advice.
Tessa Bridge
Totally. I also use this like three a.m. frame, like what are you tossing and turning,
Tessa Bridge
thinking
Tessa Bridge
about three a.m.
Because it’s so visceral. All of us understand that feeling and like how high stakes everything feels in the middle of the night.
That I really work with my clients on is putting a little bit of distance between who you are and what you do, because what happens when we treat our jobs as our identity is that making a mistake, or not measuring up, or letting people down, or dropping a ball-pick your language-at work feels like a moral failure, not a professional failure, and so.
So that again puts an intense amount of pressure on us to get everything right every time, and we are doing this in a very unpredictable world.
So, yeah, putting just say the least, say the least, right? So putting just a little bit of distance between who you are and what you do, what you believe, and how you enact that at work, even if they can be aligned, will allow you to go back to sleep at three a.m.
And allow that email to be what it is, which is an email, not a referendum on whether you’re a good person, which is sometimes how it feels in that middle of the night tossing and turning moment.
Marcia Beckner
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I’m just thinking back to my days when I was in corporate, and before I launched myself into the nonprofit world 20 years ago.
Before that, if I made a mistake at work, if I didn’t get a sale, I was, you know, selling technology. If I didn’t get a sale, if a customer yelled at me, I didn’t.
It didn’t even occur to me that I’m necessarily a bad person. Like it wasn’t, it wasn’t so purpose driven. It was my job, and I really cared about my customers and everything.
But it’s different than when I became an executive director, and I was tossing and turning at three a.m. about the cancer patients that we were serving, and the lives that were at stake, and the employees I was responsible for making sure we made payroll.
You know, so it’s just like different in that way. If you’re in this world, so how I love that.
Like you, people can’t see you right now, but you had your hands like an inch from each other, and then you scooched them out to two inches, like a little bit more distance.
How can people do that? Because some people work for arts organizations, and they’re like an art. I am an artist at heart, and I’m just like art is my thing.
And then they can’t. They’re that three a.m. tossing and turning. So how can they start to put some distance in practical ways?
Tessa Bridge
Yeah. So I think one of the biggest things is to keep the other ways that you express who you are in your life, or bring them back if you’ve maybe lost them.
So one thing that can happen when our jobs get big and overwhelming is that we are putting more and more time into that, and when it’s mission driven, it can feel like okay, that’s fine because this is meaningful to me in a lot of ways.
But when we aren’t expressing our beliefs, our passions, our activism, our hopes and dreams in places outside of work, again, it puts everything in that one bucket.
So, like, one of the things that I often like, a lot of my folks are social justice folks in one way or another who really want to make a difference in the world.
I often say, like, okay, your job is one place you get to do that, but where else are you doing that? That isn’t your job.
Are you volunteering on a political campaign? Are you volunteering at an organization in your community? Like, what else are you doing that can sort of fill up your sense of who you are and how you enact the things that you believe aren’t your professional job, right?
And just really kind of tamping that down, and that is a big shift for a lot of people because we feel like we’re so overwhelmed already. How could we add one more thing?
And I try to reframe with my clients. It isn’t just about adding more activities for your plate. It’s about redistributing what you’re doing with your time, so that you are holistically, when you look at the whole pie chart of your life, you are living in a way that is values aligned, not trying to put everything in the one pie of your job, and I would add that this is a leadership strategy with your teams as well.
I think often what we see with teams is that they want, understandably, to make their jobs the site of all of their activism around what they care about, and your job is only one
Marcia Beckner
place to do that.
So, creating space for your team members and time for your team members to go and do the things that they’re passionate about outside of work as well.
Not saying like don’t advocate for things in your job, but just in addition, just like not necessarily thinking of our professional jobs as the only site of of making meaning in our lives, whether that’s meaning through making art in the example you gave, or meaning through like political activism, which is also something that a lot of the folks I work with are navigating.
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Now back to the episode. And Tessa, is a 40 hour work week even possible?
Strategic Push vs. Endless Depletion
Tessa Bridge
It’s a really good question, and I think the answer is it depends, right?
Like, and one of the things that I kind of frame in the book when I’m talking about martyrdom is that there’s a really big difference between a sprint and being in endless depletion.
So, is a 40-hour work week every single week possible. I’d say that’s less likely. To be honest, in a big job with you know resources that are often scarce, and should every week go well over 40 hours, I would say that’s not a fair or realistic or sustainable expectation of yourself.
So I think really understanding the difference between what I call a strategic push, which is like we have a big event, we have a big deadline, and we need to make this work, and then that gets to be paired with some recovery, some recuperation, versus we aren’t feeling over overcommitted and overextended most of the time, and those are very different experiences.
So, yes, it is possible, certainly, to have many weeks that are 40 hours, and it is also likely that there will be some times that you need to commit more.
And then, where do you get to build in that recuperation after that stretch,
Marcia Beckner
yeah, it’s almost like with a special event coming up where you know there’s going to be a push in advance to make sure on the other end there is recovery and space to revitalize yourself.
Tessa Bridge
Yes.
Marcia Beckner
and so why do so many nonprofit leaders kind of take on the martyr hat, yeah.
You know, consciously or unconsciously.
Tessa Bridge
Yeah, at its core, I think it’s because we really care about the work we’re doing, and what we’re doing is critically important, right?
I think also there’s an element where it feels really good to be needed, to feel valuable, to feel important, and those can get messy.
And again, that’s where some of that identity fusion shows up.
So we all care about the work we’re doing, and the work we’re doing matters.
And the question to examine is: What, if any, parts of this are actually about me, and less about my organization or the mission, and that is a tricky thing to look at.
It’s helpful to have someone to kind of hold space with you while you look at that.
But often, what I see with my clients, and I’ve experienced it myself too, is that when our sense of self, our sense of value, our sense of worth is tied in with the work we do, it’s very easy for it to become sort of self-fulfilling in a way that has less to do with the mission and less to do with what our team actually needs, and more to do with sort of fulfilling a need that we have ourselves.
The Book Club and a Community for Leaders
Marcia Beckner
And your book is so incredible in examining these issues with really practical takeaways that people can go through this book by themselves, take the exercises seriously, and do them by the end of the book.
Just have a much better sense of work life balance, identity separation. You know, start to do that.
And I was really excited to hear that you have created a book club for your book, so that it could be a guided experience with people. Can you tell us about it?
Tessa Bridge
Yes. So I am created. I’m starting a book club of my own, which is really like a group coaching offering.
And the idea is we’re gonna do better. Yeah. Wow. That’s right.
The idea is we’re going to have a group of folks come together. There’ll be an in-person version in Portland, where I live, and also a virtual version.
And the idea is we’ll come together. We’ll work through the book together with folks who are sort of living through similar experiences, who are going to have different perspectives on the things that I write in the book, on the case studies, on some of the strategies that I offer, and I’m going to do some group coaching in that space to actually sort of help us bring some of the things in the pages to life.
Because I think like one of the main reasons I wrote this book is so many of us are dealing with this feeling of isolation, like we are the only ones having the experience we’re having, and even when we are in spaces that you know, like conferences where we’re talking about you know how hard things are, we’re often focused on like some of the really tactical things, which is important, but less on sort of the inner experience we’re having.
Of struggle and suffering as we’re trying to navigate a really, really challenging time and a really, really challenging structure that many of us are working within.
And so, my hope in doing the book club is that it will break down some of those feelings of isolation.
It will create a space where people can both through the book feel like, oh, yeah, this is language for what I’m experiencing, but also then be with other people who are experiencing things that are similar, and I think that’s incredibly powerful, both for us as individual humans, but also for our organizations.
Because you know this, a lot of this is about culture change, and leadership really matters for culture change, and when we are holding tightly as leaders to doing things one way or the way we’ve always done it, we’re keeping our organizations stuck in that way of thinking and way of being.
So hopefully, this can be a space of like a little bit of experimentation, almost where we get to try on some different ideas of what bold and sustainable leadership can look like, and then we all get to take that back, and hopefully keep some sense of community and connection while we do
Marcia Beckner
it.
I think so many people will be interested in this because you’re really bringing a community together of executive directors in this group coaching format with the structure of this beautiful book that you’ve written, which is like a love letter, I think, to the executives that are in social impact work.
Tessa Bridge
Yeah.
Marcia Beckner
and so I really encourage everyone to check it out.
It’s so affordable. It’s not, it’s like the right amount of time. It’s not going to overwhelm you.
In fact, I’m going to guess that by the end of this you can give us a little bit more details about how many sessions it is, but then actually like what your kind of promises by the end of this experience with you can you give us some more details around that?
Tessa Bridge
Totally. So it’s four sessions. Each session is 75 minutes.
The virtual time is 12 to 115 Pacific Standard Time. The in-person time is in the evening, and we’re starting on October 28, so it’ll go from the end of October through the beginning of December.
And we’re going to move through the chapters of the book.
And the way that the book is structured is in the beginning, it’s really around diagnosis. It’s like really understanding and putting language to what the lived experience you’re having is.
Then the second part is about some key reframes that I’ve seen over and over again with my clients of some of the deeply held beliefs that we have that keep us functioning in the same way, even when we’re saying we want things to be different, right?
This is when we start. We say things like, “I’m so overwhelmed. I wish I could delegate more. I shouldn’t have to do it all. Like, but then we keep doing the same thing, even as we’re saying we want something to be different.
So, some of the key reframes in there, and then the third part of the book is really practical tools and solutions, and undergirding those solutions is sort of learning that it’s okay to trust yourself, to trust your intuition, and to try something new, and building the tolerance to and the tolerance of uncertainty to be able to do that.
So moving all the way through that, the hope is that by the time folks get to the end of this book club, they’re going to feel empowered to try something different, they’re going to feel less isolated, and they’re going to have a whole toolkit of things that they can do differently in their everyday life to actually be able to sustain that.
Because really, my overall goal is to help leaders meet the moment we’re in, and I think the way we do that is by centering both boldness and bravery, and sustainability.
Because we’re not going to power through the poly crisis that we’re living in by just gritting our teeth and digging deep, right?
We need to find a way to both show up boldly and bravely, and take care of ourselves and each other.
So it’s really holding both of those things as equal.
Who This Experience Is For
Marcia Beckner
I absolutely love that so much. This is an amazing opportunity.
So, if someone’s listening and they’re saying, “I’m not sure if it’s for me, can you kind of be clear about the person this is for, and maybe who it’s not for?
Tessa Bridge
This is for the people who you were mentioning at the beginning, who are lying awake at 3o’clock in the morning, tossing and turning and asking things of themselves, like, am I even cut out for this role?
Is anything I’m doing good enough? Should I have taken this position in the first place? Are people judging me?
Like people who are sort of in this self-doubt spiral.
It’s also for people who feel like it is critically important to show up at this moment? It is critically important to fight for justice, and I’m also exhausted, right?
Holding the duality of that and feeling like there, there’s just no off-ramp.
Like, how do I find a way to continue? How depleted I am, and that could be someone who is in a nonprofit leadership or executive role.
That could be someone who is doing deep work in their community and is maybe in less of a formal leadership role, but you know putting a lot of their time and energy and care into this work, and just is really feeling at the end of their rope, right?
Like the people who are out there really trying to make a difference and really feeling the cost of that depletion and not wanting to give up and put our heads in the sand, but also just really feeling that sense of I cannot keep going this way.
That’s like that. I would say the profile of the folks who are really going to benefit from being in this space.
Marcia Beckner
Yeah, it’s not as much as having the title of executive director.
Let’s say you could be in any position within an organization. There’s a lot of people listening who aren’t necessarily a CEO or executive director.
You know, they may want to be one day, and so you know this is some training ground that they can access.
But you can also access Tessa’s Tessa’s book club.
So again, it starts October 28. There is a special discount code for our listeners, which is very much appreciated.
And so the link to find this this book club is
Tessa Bridge
if you just go to my website Tessa Bridge Coaching slash Do Your Part, you’ll see the registration links right there.
And if you put in the discount code Marsha 150, then you’ll get the discount for listeners of this podcast,
Marcia Beckner
beautiful. Thank you. That’s such a gift, and oh, I hope that you all do it.
It’ll be amazing. This podcast is publishing in early to mid October, so you’ll have a few weeks after you listen to this.
But like, get on it. Does it sell out? Are you capping at a certain number or closing registration on a specific date?
Tessa Bridge
Yeah. So registration is going to be open right up until I think we close at the 27th.
But I am going to cap registration at around 10 folks for each of the sessions because I really do want it to be an intimate community where we can talk about hard things.
And when the group gets so big, then it can be kind of tricky to kind of be more vulnerable and share more openly.
So we’re aiming for about 10 people in the in-person session and another 10 in the virtual session.
Marcia Beckner
That’s even better.
I mean, that’s like you will get very personalized attention with your questions as they come up around the book topics, and I mean, a book club by the author-that’s just so rare, and so-and also I love the timing that you picked, which is right before Thanksgiving.
You know, or like q4 is a really intensive and end of year fundraising season.
Yeah, and so if you do one thing for yourself, join this book club and be with others.
Like, don’t do this next quarter alone, and don’t do end of year fundraising alone.
Like connect with peers, either in Portland where the in person one will be, or online from anywhere, and you will it will really just energize you through those moments.
And Tess will give you really good strategies to make this work that matters to you so much sustainable.
Tessa Bridge
Yeah, definitely. Tessa, is there anything you want people to know as we wrap up?
I I think you know, just going back to like why I I started this journey myself, and you know, if you listen to the the first episode, you’ll hear you know more about me, and again, like overcoming that sense of isolation and really normalizing that we as leaders need to sometimes step up and need to sometimes step back, and that that is normal to kind of be in a seasonality in in how we lead, and so often we prioritize production.
Everything is about production. What we are doing, what we are achieving, and you know, per the topic of today’s conversation, and producing becomes part of how we assess: Are we doing a good job? Are we a good person?
And our own worth. And this book, and a lot of the topics we’re going to talk about in the book club, at its core is a lot about decoupling that. Right?
We can work really hard for things we care about, and we can also take care of ourselves, ideally at the same time, but also kind of in waves, and that’s okay.
And there are enough of us doing this critical work that together we can make sure that the work continues to get done.
It’s not all on any of our one shoulders, which is part of the framing that leads to that martyrdom. Right? If I don’t do it, no one will.
So, I just think that’s a nice place to kind of come to a close.
The sense of collective effort and the sense. Of seasonality of how we get to be in our ongoing leadership journey because this is not a sprint, right?
This is long term change work that we’re all engaged in.
Marcia Beckner
Yeah, that’s beautifully said. Thank you so much, Tessa.
Tessa Bridge
Thank you.
Marcia Beckner
So happy you were here. All right.
So okay, quick reminder: go to tessabridgecoaching.com do your part.
That is the name of her book. You can go to Amazon or any bookstore and get the book Do Your Part by Tessa Bridge.
Sign up for her book club. Everybody needs it.
If your ears are still listening, you need it, and I hope that you can get in because there’s only 20 spots available.
So sign up as soon as possible and go back to learn more about Tessa.
Go to her first episode at culturecares.com/38 and learn about her background and more about the book.
Thank you again, Tessa, and for everyone listening.
Always remember, you are meant for great things, and you don’t have to burn out to prove it.
Before you go, I want to remind you that you don’t have to leave empty-handed today.
I created a free guide for nonprofit leaders like you, covering four things: how to stop spinning out the number one behavior you can use to lead with more conviction.
The secret to building a more inclusive culture starting this week, and a simple weekly ritual that unifies your team.
It’s free, it’s fast, and it’s built to help you lead with more confidence starting today.
Grab it now at culturecares.com forward slash guide.
Thanks for listening to today’s episode of Nonprofit CEO SPARK.
If you’re ready to turn burnout into boundaries and build a healthy, happy culture where everyone, including you, can thrive, visit culturecares.com to learn how I support nonprofit organizations like yours.
If this episode brought you value, share it with a fellow leader navigating stress and overwhelm.
And remember, you are meant for great things, and you don’t have to burn out to prove it.
Until next time, keep leading with courage and confidence.
